I make the choice...

"I've made the choice to move to California," I said near the end of my sermon on "choices and consequences" a couple weeks ago.

Immediately my 5-year-old niece Tessa burst into tears. Which continued throughout the rest of the service. (Who knew the kids even listened to the sermon?!)

Afterwards she came up to me and said, "When you said you made that choice, to move to California, that made me sad. I make the choice for you to stay."

I explained to her that when you get to be my age you get to make your own choices. But that also means you are responsible for the consequences of your choices, which include missing out on family dinner nights and other fun times with her and her siblings in order to move forward with the plans God has for me.

It's a hard lesson to understand when you're 5. (Or almost 35.)

Especially when my choices directly affect her.

But I hope in the long run she will learn from this to not be afraid of making the hard choice when you know it is the right one. To not be afraid of the "what ifs", or fear change, or focus too much on what can no longer be. And instead to be brave and see all of the possibilities that open up when we take the next step forward to follow our dreams.

Keep Calm and Fly On

Shortly before leaving for the airport on Tuesday I received notification that my connecting flight in Chicago was delayed half an hour. A few minutes later it was delayed another hour. I only had an hour to make my connection to begin with so there was no way I was going to make my plane to California.

I called the airlines from home and they quickly and efficiently got me on another flight, through Dallas, landing just 45 minutes later than my original flight.

Once in Dayton and safely on the plane, I sat next to a young guy headed to LAX for a morning meeting. The pilot came on over the speaker and shared with us that the auxiliary power wasn't working. We didn't need it to fly, he said. Just to turn the plane on. It should only take about 10 minutes, he concluded.

That 10 minutes soon became 90. Something to do with paperwork and a fax machine. (Who still uses fax machines? we wondered.)

But during that time, sitting on the tarmac waiting for a jump start,  I got to know the guy beside me. Married for 3 years, he was expecting his first child. He was a lawyer, headed to Los Angeles to fix someone else's mistake, and would be on the red eye home the following day.

By the time we finally took flight he knew there was no way he was going to make his connection in Dallas. Which was the last flight out for the night.

But here is the crazy part. He wasn't the least bit angry, frustrated, anxious, or upset about the situation.

"Maybe there will be another flight after all," he said. "Or maybe an early morning one so I can still make the 9 o'clock meeting. If I can't make the meeting, I'll just grab the next flight back to Dayton."

He was so casual about his options. Not the least bit frazzled by his plans not working out, or the idea of making a roundtrip flight to Dallas and never leaving the airport.

It was very comforting to be in his presence. Which helped me relax as my own layover grew shorter and shorter.

As we disembarked in Dallas and everyone ran to make their connection, he was the one who stopped and asked a woman in a wheelchair if he could help her to her gate.

I felt incredibly grateful to have witnessed such kindness, such a peaceful spirit, which is so rare these days. It reminded me that my own attitude can have an affect on others, either positive or negative, depending on how I choose to live and respond to the world.

Apparently a reminder that I needed since I wasn't originally scheduled to be on this flight. In fact, I wasn't even scheduled to sit next to this guy. But someone was sitting in my seat so I took the open one next to him. I love the way God works!

 

Real Friends Say "No", Part 2

A story to illustrate yesterday's conversation about boundaries...

I have a very good friend who was once going through a hard time. Job, health, relationships, and finances were all weighing him down.

He had been there for me during a hard time, and I wanted to be there for him too.

So when he came to me, excited about the new job he had just applied for, I shared in his excitement.

The truth is, I didn't think it was the right job for him. While he was fully qualified for the position, it seemed too political and not creative enough for his gifts. I had concerns about how it would affect him spiritually, relationally, mentally and emotionally. But he came to me looking for a friend to share in his excitement. Not one who would tell him it would never work. So I celebrated with him and kept my concerns to myself.

That is, until he asked if I would be willing to serve as one of his references.

And I had to say "no."

Actually it came out more like this: "You can list me as a reference. But if they call me I am going to tell them not to hire you."

Not very sensitive of me, I know.

He was obviously shocked, and rightfully hurt by my blatant rejection.

But because he respects me and our friendship, he allowed me to share my concerns. And because I respect him and our friendship, I left the decision of what to do about the job up to him.

It wasn't going to change our relationship if he took the job or not. It wasn't going to change our relationship whether or not he listed me as a reference. But it could have changed our relationship if we hadn't respected each others' boundaries.

He honored my boundary - that in order to be true to my word I couldn't recommend him. And I honored his - that the choice of whether to take the job or not was his alone.

In the end he didn't take the job. Because my concerns pointed him to his own uneasiness about the position.

But shortly thereafter, another job came along. This one perfectly suited for him. Where he could be creative and independent, experience growth and challenge. And truly make a difference. (He didn't ask me to serve as a reference for this one!)


Our friendship was made stronger through this experience of exercising boundaries and trust. And in the future I know that if I need help in wisdom and decision making I can call on him. Because he will be honest. Blatantly so if necessary. And I will give him the same respect.

Real Friends Say "No"

"When times get rough you'll find out who your real friends are."

I've been thinking about this statement lately. Which implies that your "real friends" are the ones who continue to hang out with you and stand by you during hard times. But I've started to wonder: what if it isn't true?

After all, aren't we all entitled to have boundaries? Boundaries that protect us emotionally and spiritually, physically and relationally. Boundaries that honor our time, our resources, and our hearts.

I am terrible at setting boundaries. In fact, for the few of you who I have ever said "no" to, feel blessed. It means that I love you and I trust you. In Tessa's words: "the most-est."

But not setting boundaries means I can end up feeling resentful and taken advantage of. It means I can get emotionally involved in problems that have nothing to do with me. I can get confused when someone gives me advice that is completely against what God is telling me. Or angry when a person continues to be critical of my choices (because even though I've never asked their opinion, no boundaries means I've also never asked them to keep it to themselves).

Of course we want to be there to support our friends when life is unfair to them, or they have made poor choices and are reaping the consequences. And of course we want our friends to be there for us when it feels like everything and everyone is coming down against us.

But that isn't always the best choice for us or our friendship.

Sometimes the best choice is to give the relationship space. To lean on God instead of one another. Or to label certain subjects of conversation "off limits". To not get emotionally tangled up in someone else's issues, and to not allow them to get tangled up in ours.

Boundaries don't give us permission to talk about people behind their backs while we are giving that relationship space, or to be critical of one another face to face expecting the relationship to bounce back once the crisis is over.

But a true friendship will respect boundaries, and not see them as rejection.

do the thing

Last night I spoke to our local Lions Club about my walk across Spain.

I've had lots of opportunities to share about my experience, and each time it comes out a little differently. But I think I've finally figured out what I've been trying to say:

DO THE THING

The thing that stirs in your heart. The thing that gives you joy. The thing you long for. The thing you know you are made to do. The thing you are afraid of. The thing you would do if you won the lottery. The thing you would do if you only had one month to live. The thing you are most passionate about. The thing you want to be remembered for. The thing. Whatever it is. Do it. Do the thing.

I know not everyone wants to walk across Spain. And I don't think everyone should. But I know that everyone wants to do something:

Adopt. Host a foreign exchange student. Be the president of the Lions Club. Donate food to the local pantry or towels to the local shelter. Run with the bulls. Canoe down the Amazon. Graduate. Pay off student loans. Learn to read. Join a book club. Protest for peace. Fight for your country. Quit a job. Start your own company. Take a photography class. Bungee jump. Sing. Dance. Fly. Move. 

No matter how big. No matter how small. Whatever it is. Do it. 

DO THE THING. 

That is the message I have to share.

And here is some added inspiration: One year ago TODAY I attended a lecture in which a retired teacher shared her experiences of walking el Camino de Santiago. And I decided that "now" was as good a time as any to do the thing.

Here I am. A mere year later. And now I... ME... I am the one sharing the experience of my own walk. Hoping to inspire others. Like she inspired me. To do the thing.  

 

Realizing A Dream

My crazy beautiful friend Colette got married last Thursday and is now on her honeymoon in Israel. She's been praying hard for months that they would feel safe enough to go through with this adventure in the midst of all the violence in the Holy Land. And their faith has proven strong. They even got baptized in the Jordan River earlier this week, just like Jesus once did.

So many things struck me during their wedding, which was personally and uniquely designed.

The very first charge that the pastor gave was not to the bride and groom, but to the guests. About our role in supporting and nurturing this young couple. And when asked who gives this bride the response was, "We all do."

Often times we go to weddings because they are beautiful and filled with an as-yet-untainted love that inspires us. We get a chance to dress up and dance and eat delicious food. And we know one, or sometimes both, parties. But we should take seriously what it means to be present when vows are shared. It means we believe in this couple, that God has brought the two together, and we are willing to be encouraging and supportive to them in their lives together. And if necessary remind them when they are veering off course.

Quakers emphasize this role by having the entire guest list sign the marriage certificate, not just the officiant.

Colette, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, is from Ferguson, Missouri. She is African American. And her new husband is Caucasian. The couple decided they wanted to end their wedding ceremony with a video of Martin Luther King Jr. reciting his "I Have a Dream" speech. They didn't know when they picked their wedding date that it would be the 50th anniversary, to the day, of this speech. And people all over the world, as if in solidarity with this newly married couple, were listening to the same speech while we were.

The "icing on the cake" as it were, was two sided. Vanilla frosting down one side of the cake and chocolate down the other. But when the cake was finally cut we realized that the diversity was merely superficial. On the inside the cake was ALL red velvet.  

I believe a lasting impression was made on the hearts of those present that day. Because John and Colette were faithful to who they are as individuals and the life they want to live together, witnesses to the unity that is possible as long as we continue to have a dream.

Frozen Choices

Spoiler alert! If you haven't watched the movie Frozen, go buy it and watch it before continuing!

Ever since watching the movie Frozen for the first time (and the 20+ times that have followed), my sister-in-law has been waiting for me to write a sermon about it. 

She knew it wouldn't be hard. From being the first Disney film with a female director, to having a princess NOT rescued by a handsome prince in the end, there is much talk about this movie. And many sermons have already been written on the subject.

Since Sunday was my last sermon at my home church for the imminent future, I decided it was finally time for this message. And to invite my 5-year-old nieces up front to sing "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" and "Let It Go" for everyone's enjoyment. Well, mostly everyone. 

[Giving a 5-year-old a microphone takes a lot of faith. But they did awesome. Even Tysen who refused to sing and had her hands over her ears the whole time.]

The sermon was about choices, decisions, and consequences. Here is a quick summary of the "Frozen parts": 

Elsa's parents, the king and queen, choose to lock Elsa up so she can’t hurt anyone with her powers to produce ice and snow. It’s a choice made with good intentions because they want to protect Elsa while she learns how to control her powers. But it comes with the consequences of isolating Elsa from her family and her community, and teaching her that what makes her unique is not to be celebrated.

Elsa chooses to run away after her parents die and her abilities are exposed to the community. It is again a choice made with good intentions because it lines up with what she was taught, to protect others from herself, but again it results in her isolation and alienation and feeling like she can only be herself when she is a safe distance from others.  

Elsa’s younger sister Anna [which Tessa frequently reminded me from the congregation is pronounced "Aahh-na"] chooses to accept a marriage proposal from a prince she just met. This ends up being a really bad choice. In some fairy tales this works out for the princess, but not so for Anna ["Aahh-na"]. Prince Hans turns out to be a bad guy with bad motives which are revealed after she gets to know him a little better.

Anna ["Aahh-na"] has to choose whether to save herself or save her sister. In the end, she chooses to sacrifice herself in order to save her sister, and in turn she ends up saving the entire kingdom. This act of true love is the very best choice, even though it seems to come with the consequence of losing her own life. But lucky for Anna ["Aahh-na"], her choice to save her sister was the act of true love needed to save her own life. 

You can see how we sometimes have to choose between what is good and what is bad, or what is good and what is good, or what is good and what is best. And that regardless of what we decide, there are always consequences, positive and negative.

Christian tradition tells us that Jesus made the same sacrifice for us that Anna ["Aahh-na"] did for Elsa. [I love that we get to be Elsa in this analogy, the beautiful Queen with special abilities and unique qualities.] And that even though it meant a gruesome death for Jesus, it was still the very best choice.