Real Friends Say "No"

"When times get rough you'll find out who your real friends are."

I've been thinking about this statement lately. Which implies that your "real friends" are the ones who continue to hang out with you and stand by you during hard times. But I've started to wonder: what if it isn't true?

After all, aren't we all entitled to have boundaries? Boundaries that protect us emotionally and spiritually, physically and relationally. Boundaries that honor our time, our resources, and our hearts.

I am terrible at setting boundaries. In fact, for the few of you who I have ever said "no" to, feel blessed. It means that I love you and I trust you. In Tessa's words: "the most-est."

But not setting boundaries means I can end up feeling resentful and taken advantage of. It means I can get emotionally involved in problems that have nothing to do with me. I can get confused when someone gives me advice that is completely against what God is telling me. Or angry when a person continues to be critical of my choices (because even though I've never asked their opinion, no boundaries means I've also never asked them to keep it to themselves).

Of course we want to be there to support our friends when life is unfair to them, or they have made poor choices and are reaping the consequences. And of course we want our friends to be there for us when it feels like everything and everyone is coming down against us.

But that isn't always the best choice for us or our friendship.

Sometimes the best choice is to give the relationship space. To lean on God instead of one another. Or to label certain subjects of conversation "off limits". To not get emotionally tangled up in someone else's issues, and to not allow them to get tangled up in ours.

Boundaries don't give us permission to talk about people behind their backs while we are giving that relationship space, or to be critical of one another face to face expecting the relationship to bounce back once the crisis is over.

But a true friendship will respect boundaries, and not see them as rejection.